Answers to correspondants
I thought I’d be polite for once and answer all those pesky questions that appear in the spam comments and in my email spam.
From Comments
To Cornelius, from Beijing.
No, probably not.
To person with no vowels in their name , from Frankfurt.
I guess so, I’m not your mum.
To Ofi-something or other, from Frankfurt (but thinks they’re from Russia)
Probably not as much as you would want.
To Tania, from Latvia.
Yes, yes it is a secret.
To another unfortunate soul with no vowels, from Belarus.
Thanks that’s very kind of you but I have no idea who she is so probably don’t want to see her doing that. Start a site involving geeky disheveled looking chaps doing something similar and you got my money.
From email account 1
To Kathy, from cyberspace.
No it isn’t.
To Chris Obrien, from money sucking excuse for a legal outfit.
I haven’t but thanks for being so solicitous about my wellbeing.
From email account 2
To Trenton, from Not Switzerland
I can resist. See, this is me resisting.
To Aron. from the land of big sticks
That’s all very well and good, but what exactly am I supposed to do with the humongous rod you intend to furnish me with. Where will I put it? Does it come with a display case or something?
To Waren, from a place where men are apparently very manly
Why would I want to enlarge my best friend? My best friend is six feet tall, that seems plenty large enough to me thanks.
To Zaida, from a magazine that I’m fairly sure exists only in your imagination
Is this a common thing? To backsides quarrel often? Perhaps you should research this academically.
To 負責人企業主, from China I guess
不，謝謝。
To Zora, from a very wrong place in her head
I think maybe you should consider therapy.
To Claire, from South America
You are so right. I feel way more confident when I’m hauling around some big device. Personally I like to take my TV to interviews.
To Luella, from maths land
Well I can’t say I am embarrassed really, but if I were why would I want to square root my bedroom failures. Would that not give me the square of an ex-boyfriend? I can’t imagine any of those are a great improvement.
To Ted, from what if land
What thing? I’ll be honest I don’t much like the sound of some random thing in my pants, and if I have to have some random thing in my pants I’d actually prefer it to be small so I can sit down. Thanks.
To Toby, from horological mountain
Is that where I’ve been going wrong all these years? If only I’d known. I could’ve saved all that effort of being nice to people to get them to like me, and just walked around with a grandfather clock or something. Damn.
To person pretending to be me, from not where I am
Erm. I think so. Do I need a German for something specific?
To Katti, from needs a better approach to getting laid land
I’m not sure your mother would be happy with you young lady.
To another person being me, from you need to get out more if you amuse yourself by being me land
Wouldn’t need to photoshop that. Natch.
To Olive, from a tree of her own
Y’know I’m not sure. I’m not doing human biology till next semester but I’ll be sure to ask my biology teacher.
To Charlie, from sadly not that Charlie land
Why would anyone want to see that?
To Lynn, from a place that I actually thought was just a thing old ladies kept in their sitting rooms
Well duh! That’s why I’m at college.
To Tony, from I can’t pick an alphabet
You too luv, you too.
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不，謝謝。
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Tags: correspondants, spam
Loving it
! (And not in the slightest bit worried that I may have just sounded like some geezer from London)