LaraLoola

Take it to the bridge, throw it overboard…

(a letter to someone who isn’t going to read what I write right now)

You don’t like me right now. You might even be utterly furious with me. If you are that’s significantly better than the years of you being furious with you. You probably won’t believe me when I say that my letting go is no indication of my concern for you. I do still care. I still want you to be safe. However, much you think otherwise you still mean a lot to me.

I am not able to help you any more. Not because I love you any less, but because you need more now than I can give. Not without taking me with you. I know it takes a lot for you to trust people, but if I could have anything right now it would be for you to take that leap of faith and trust those people who are qualified to help you.

Maybe I have done the wrong thing. Maybe I have done what all those others along the way have, and finally abandoned you. I hope more than anything that it isn’t what I have done. I really hope that those qualified to do so catch you more than I ever could. But there really has been no more that I could do for a good year or so.

This is selfish but its hard, you know, not being of any use to someone who needs it. Not only is it painful watching someone hate themselves, but (selfishly again) I’m smart, part of me thinks I should have been able to help you solve this years ago. A big part of me feels that by letting go of you I’ve failed to uphold my end of some cosmic bargain*, I can never thank or repay the person(s) who saved my life, I (selfishly yet again) feel like I’m failing you by not having saved you.

But all that said. We both know I can’t save you. Only you can. And nor am I the right person to help you get there…I have’t spent 7 years at medical school (the world breathes a sigh of relief) neither am I nurse material. And that’s who you need right now.

I hope our goodbye was the first step to you accepting the better placed help that is out there for you. And even if you hate me for the rest of your life, you should know I still care. I hope for the best for you, and would love for you to realise that you are smarter, prettier, funnier and more capable than you have yet realised.

Lots of Love
Me

*Yeah I know atheist with cosmic bargain concepts confusion much?!

Pause

Well.

Much stuff has been happenings. But I can’t blog about it. So I’m at something of an impasse.

I’ve decided to separate study stuff and personal stuff blogging wise and my studies blog is here.

But on the personal front I’m erm a bit limited, past discussing my ever diminishing diet (yay for not feeling like crap all the time, less yay to having to completely rethink my cooking). Which frankly is duller than dishwater.

I can’t blog about my occasional job cos nothing I could say wouldn’t be breaking confidentiality rules/agreements/whatevers.

And I can’t blog about my actual personal life cos the other people concerned have asked me not to. Full stop. And though it makes blogging incredibly awkward they mean a lot to me so I’m respecting that.

So if I’m not about for a while. I haven’t forgotten blogging…but I just don’t have anything I can say at the moment.

Love
Me

Verbage…

I like language, I like the one I use 99% of the time and get annoyed when people who should know better use it wrongly…but I like wrong words too (contradictory moi?!)

So this is my wrongity wrong word list…

Awesomeness: denoting something is awesome, easy.
Ackcherloi/Acktuarly: much better spelling.
Eated: contributed by M+, the act of having eaten.
Speshul: again better spelling.
Electrickery: bonus points for reference
doing LOLcat adding “ing” and “ation” at the wrong time
Purdy and gawn: ‘cos down on the range talk is the kewlest.
Kewl: from V, and useful for when my c isn’t working.
Teef: works for both teeth and thief.
Sees: To see, to have seen, pretty much anything involving sight.
Misunderestimated: thank you Mister Bush.
Prix/fur/de/la: pinching foreign words a grand tradition…

What are your wrong, but oh so right,  words?

(and yeah substance will return at some point…)

Back once again…

A meantime post till brain working (hey it is 1am).  Studies finished till September. I am starting a study only blog which I will send you link to if you’d like to follow but I am keen to keep them separate.  Though atm it only has one post.

Pain in the ass men stuff done. I am concentrating my time and energy on only the nice mens and womens of the world (that’d be you lot), I don’t dislike certain people, but respect is a two way street.

Did the political compass today again (did it a while ago) as M+ did his to show me (if that’s not bonding for nerds) and here within it is :

Dont look for me, I’ll get ahead, Remember darling, Don’t smoke in bed

My life is a complicated place at the moment. I won’t share too much, but essentially it boils down to my being me not necessarily making other people happy, even though they’re really trying. And they are *really* trying and were there some kind of medal that actually meant a fucking thing they would deserve about 10.

Things are irritatingly bittersweet at the moment too.  A person that I care a great deal about and whom I have regarded as at the very least having friendly feelings toward me is quite bluntly being a weird twat at the moment. I don’t know if he’s chanelling a small child, going through a further adventure of his midlife crisis (of which his behaviour toward me may well have been partly down to), or just being a cock. Its relatively recent and seems to be over agressiveness combined with being a mardy-arse.  This comes as I have spent the better part of two months composing a letter to him to be honest about how much I do care. Part of me thinks “fuck you” but the bigger part of me says regardless I’m still going to give him the letter and if it is goodbye forever (which seems highly likely) then so be it.  Sad as that makes me.
But my protective loyalty toward him regarding his behaviours is diminishing every second that he is a total ass (though it won’t diminish total because despite my very bestest attempts not to I do care).  He’s just being a twat frankly.

Sigma baby, sigma

Life is rather fucking awesome right this minute.

Be ready for the come down children…but in the meantime I give you Cake…

They wouldn’t have made the cane if you weren’t meant to break the rules

I was going to spend today finishing assignments, but I can’t because mini-me and essay writing do not mix. However I have had enough concentration to start mooching around reading election stuff. Because I am actually that cool.

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I always thought something was fundamentally wrong with the universe

I’m in a listing kind of mood of late, I don’t feel inclined to use some parts of my brain at the moment for various reasons so today I present to you 42 random books that I own. They really are random I just grabbed them from the shelves…some say something about me, some mostly say I buy books and then don’t finish them.

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And when you see a cane I see a crook

10 Random things I like:

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A fine romance, with no kisses

Suffering, such as I do, from a time-space shift I’ve just been reading an online edition of the Irish Times from last June (when not reading Maxine’s fabulous article in the Guarn which you should read if you have not done so yet).

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